“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
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ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS