“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
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This global outage sounds like I’m finally getting the y2k bug I was promised as a child
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
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[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
stirring up shit at the wedding by going up to random people and saying “i think it’s so brave that you’re here”
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
#JohnTravolta
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
Finally a use for spoilers…
