Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.

Him: *breaks down crying

it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this

I’m suuuuper in the mood to be given $10,000, just sounds good rn

I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?

I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners

*Me making playground small talk with other parents*

“Congrats on the sex bro”

My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”

Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.

Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.

vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian

every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish

Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.

FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN

Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?

Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.

Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.

me: I always sleep naked

flight attendant: no

Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”

Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.

If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.

me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say

Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.

If you’re the owner of a feathered chicken suit and you’ve never gotten naked and put it on inside out, get ready for a memorable night.

Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!

Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef

Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.

Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late

Spider’s wife: what took so long?

Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout

Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again

Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure

I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)

The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink

[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok

Do my kids help me cook? No.

But do they like what I cook? Also no.

Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*

*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away

My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.

I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.