“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
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It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
me: family! regale me with tales of your day!
5: good
2: yes
hubs: same
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering.
Scientist: We’ve developed kids with volume knobs.
Me: How much funding do you need.
Don’t forget to tip your server
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
Whoever’s been in charge of the weather for the last few weeks seems to have fallen asleep on the couch with the remote control underneath them.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
It will always be this
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!