“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
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Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
If I wanted unnecessary pockets on my clothing I’d buy clothes made in the 1980s.
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
How it started: How it’s going:
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.