“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
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There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
*bumps into old work colleague*
*chats for 30 seconds*
Them: “we should totally catch up soon”
My brain: no, this was enough catching!
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??