“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
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temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
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[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
I went to clean my kids bathroom and I’m 99% sure they shoot their toothpaste out of a cannon
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
Grandmother clock.
