What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
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WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
If you want to avoid dementia, choose parents without it in their genealogy. Science shows everything is genetic. Especially intelligence
idk much about capitalism but taylor swift should create a line of nebulizers for her asthmatic fans called inhaler swift.
You ever go to a baseball game and hear a guy yelling, “hotdogs! hotdogs!” over and over again?
That’s me, looking for hotdogs.
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
The best shot in the history of golf
Who called pee urine when it’s clearly holey water?
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]