What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
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The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
The only good comments section online is on recipes
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day