What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
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asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
You can learn a lot about your neighbor by going through their medicine cabinet …. For example, my neighbor had 17 Xanax and now they have none.
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
never trust a guy who wants you to try out for a boy band in a motel off the jersey turnpike.
i know this now.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now