Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.

date: I think we’ve actually met before

picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces

met a woman tonight and I overheard her say she’s a nurse and I was like omg you’re a nurse! I just started ER I love it! And she was like oh that’s awesome I’m ICU! How’s the ER? and then I had to explain I was simply excited to meet a nurse bc I am watching the tv show ER

HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .

Sean’s gf: I feel seen

Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that

This guy must be getting annoyed by now

*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT

You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.

Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*

Demon: *possesses me*

Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit

Demon: same time next week?

[at grocery store]

me: no.

God: no.

brain: eat a coffee bean.

Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]

Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]

I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.

[alarm clock buzzing]

BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early

GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh

Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?

Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army

give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.

One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.

At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die

A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.

So in Ohio if they say ‘it’s raining cats and dogs’ does that mean they’re having an all-you-can-eat buffet?

My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.

Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep

(skipping class)
friend: what about the hall minotaurs?
me: you mean hall monitors?
*slow stomping noises*

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’

At Walmart during the holidays like..

I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.

Proctology is located in A55

My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose

Me:

Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?

[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor

Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.

These infographics don’t work on me because my takeaway is always that 17 donuts isn’t as bad as I thought