What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
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Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
The sandwich I made for lunch didn’t even make it until 10am.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
date: [making small talk over dinner] so what are you looking for?
me: [fingering my soup] i dropped my spoon in
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*