What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
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It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
Watching a movie on the plane? No thanks. Watching my seatmate’s movie with no audio and not understanding what’s going on for over an hour? Yassss.
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
My hot flashes are so bad, I’m not allowed to go anywhere near Greenland.
is this a threat
