What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
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A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
I want a president who promises no jobs. I don’t want to have a job
I need to babyproof my house.
I’m not having a baby, I’m just extremely clumsy
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
Captain America taught me that I just need to take performance enhancing drugs to be loved by everyone
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer