What’s the best registration plate you’ve seen?
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my roommate had a party last night and i asked one of the guys here what his job was and he said skateboarder
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
I hate my earbuds.
Look Ma, no handle on things
Me: I got a new blanket
My dogs:
Be the lemon you want the world to hand you.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
*kicking in your front door*
I’M GONNA REARRANGE YOUR FURNITURE IT LOOKS STUPID
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner