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I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
I could never work at subway because I’d say, “I got your foot long right here,” no matter what the customer ordered
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
The night before I started work at a global bird conservation charity, I had to google whether birds had teeth.
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
Her: I’m a midwife
Me: nonsense. you’re a beautifulwife
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
Whoever coined the term coined the term coined the term coined the term
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what