What’s the best registration plate you’ve seen?
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Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
🎶…we didn’t start the fire🎵
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t