What’s the best registration plate you’ve seen?
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Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
I never had kids because little kids see too many ghosts and that’s something I’d rather not know about
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
Twitter is the new flypaper.
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
Can. I. Help. You.
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]