Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.

“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church

My mom just called me “one of the most level headed people she knows” and now I’m deeeeeply concerned about her inner circle

im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances

been hearing a lot of friends say they’re planning on avoiding the internet tomorrow. not me! it’s gonna be christmas morning for hall of fame bad posts on here. we’re talking takes so bafflingly stupid we can’t even imagine. and i need them all beamed directly into my brain.

I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife

walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?

me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR

I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.

As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.

Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years

My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am

Me: What a coincidence

some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.

Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.

Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first

Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.

15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.

Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.

If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating

Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.

I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.

Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.

Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.

*click

“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.

Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…

when movies add that accordion music to scenes set in Paris, they’re actually trying to cover up the fact that every cafe in the city is constantly blasting songs from Now That’s What I Call Music! 4

Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”

After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.

When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.

I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.

[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*

Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber

Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it

Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.