Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary

Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”

Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”

Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”

If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.

“Hey, how’s it been out here this morning?” “We just had a patron who asked to be taken to the section where we keep all the books about anvils.” “Were they by any chance a coyote?”

“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”

Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social

Cat:

Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous

Cat:

*power goes out*

Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*

Cat: you were saying

[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then

Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it

Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so

hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider

13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.

me: can i please have some more?

bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty

To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.

magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*

My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”

Always look both ways before crossing a woman.

His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’

my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”

me as soon as i see the dogs:

checking my bank account to see how ethical i want to be with my egg purchase

ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98

ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me

Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.

Batman-

See, kids?

Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.

I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.

Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.

I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.

Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.

Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night

7: I want to be next to you

Me: Aww that’s so swee…

7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag

Me:

My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.

I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want

If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee

“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”