Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.

“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”

Alexa: *cackles maniacally*

Whoever named them fitting rooms has a lot of nerve

I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.

The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

Captain: relax, it’s just a title

Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU

“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.

What’s the loudest pet?

A trumpet.

#PetDay

Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?

Think of a thing.

Theres an e cig flavor for that.

An app where you and your SO swipe left and right on restaurants until there’s a match. No talking, no negotiation. Who’s building this?

When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.

[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car

*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*

Wife: what are you doing?

Me: watching Doc McStuffins.

Wife: but the kids are in bed.

Me: so?

Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?

Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?

Wife:

Me:

Wife: so what’s this episode about?

Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.

I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong

DOG 911: what’s ur emer-

DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME

DOG 911: can you bite it?

DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone

ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?

ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.

Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things

Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS

Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative

I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”

Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore

First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*

me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬

me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝

If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.

@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor

You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300

The caterer: I’m the caterer

I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.

Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016

How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.