What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
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Guy who likes music
i usually decompose after work rather than decompress
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
I told my therapist I was upset she raised her rates again and she said that while I can’t control the situation, I can do something to control my reaction.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
Warm pools make me nervous.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
Every triangle is a love triangle when you love triangles
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
Hot Panini is in big trouble
