Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.

The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.

Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs

[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are

I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.

I’m always ready for bed.

I went to a job interview, and it didn’t go well.

How was I supposed to know HTML doesn’t mean how to make lasagna?

I mean, I don’t know how to make lasagna either, but they didn’t know that.

Wife: Did you take out the trash?

Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright

Wife: The trash in the kitchen

Me: Oh that…no

I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.

Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”

Me – *fast forwards to the end*

*third date, back at my place*

me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!

My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.

Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying

Brother: They’re speaking Korean!

Mom: Shhh

“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”

-Poetic Justice

Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?

So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.

My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.

She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.

Surgery didn’t go well.

me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am

girl: i asked for water

me: patience, Linda

Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.

REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:

So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.

Him: I’ll pay for dinner.

Me: I want to pay.

Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.

Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…

there’s nothing that turns me into a boomer faster than when a company’s customer service line doesn’t give me an option to speak with a real human. no I will not go to your website. I just came from your website. i will k*ll you

Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.

Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.

Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…

Me: Doesn’t everyone?

Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.

I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor

When the doctor asks about my sex life.

Pumpkin spice season comes earlier every year and yet some still deny climate change.

ok aliens show up tomorrow and you have to choose one person and the aliens will watch that person’s entire life back (they have the technology don’t worry about it) before deciding whether to spare humanity or not. who are you picking

jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?

me (hates gossip): no

I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.