What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
You Might Also Like
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
*frowns in Scottish*
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
courtroom exchange of the day
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”