Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do

The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.

This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.

we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on

Imagine how many people would be archers if we had to hunt tacos like ducks

Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine

I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”

[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful

Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.

No one:

My 3yo: H I J K Elmo Elmo P

I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.

“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”

sometimes my toddler throws stuff on the floor and then shouts “OH NO” and that’s kind of like what politicians do

Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]

Mortician: we’re gonna need that back

Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age

Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”

There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.

Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish

Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*

Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home

Me: Holy shit

Am I high or is this air conditioner unit stargazing with her legs out the window right now

moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed

“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”

*nervous glance at dog

Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend

Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD

Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?

Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe

[Me in hospital bed]

My wife: How is he?

Dr: He was dead for 15m

Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist

dad: what should we name him

mom: something beautiful

dad: something unique

mom: any ideas

dad: matt

mom: ok

Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.

liiiiiiiiike

Wild horses could easily drag me away.

In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.

Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:

Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!

📸: @blessingmanifesting