Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“sandwich” please this thing cost me $18 it’s a “handheld”

Thank you automatic ice dispenser.

I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.

[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible

i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults

Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.

“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”

-Humans

Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again

when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.

ok hear me out: Luigiana

Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.

Peter: *harpoons a guy*

Jesus: Too literal, bro.

At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.

a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles

[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction

Instagram: look how pretty everything is

Facebook: look how easy everything is

Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest

Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is

Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get

Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.

There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.

When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”

No laws when master is gone

watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome

I’ve been to Australia. That was their best dancer.

Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.

Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?

Pac-Man: *deep breath*

Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.

Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.

ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.

HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?

ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.

*removing hair clog from drain*

Well wookiee here

My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao

But my sandwich is so dry!

“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”