Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”

I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”

Can’t shop there again.

If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”

ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing

HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard

ME: hannahannahannahannaha

[first date]

HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.

ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.

I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!

Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?

eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle

adam: wow

eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you

adam: WOW

I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.

I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.

My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.

#WorldWaterDay

there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations

Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.

Kidney stones? Hard pass

Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.

It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia

I only say “I love you” to

1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.

[on a ladder vacuuming trees so I don’t have to rake]: everyone else is stupid

If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.

*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want

I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.

I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.

Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango

What I say and what I mean are three different things.

I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.

Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.

*[At the dinner table]*

“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”

INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?

ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?

I: About the job

M: What is the company Wi-fi password?

“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear

[spelling bee]

Your word is “pneumonia”.

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.