What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
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Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
Humans were not meant to have this many passwords
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department