What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
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Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
pitch: he’s a man who’s a doctor
tv execs: go on
pitch: but he is better than other doctors
tv execs: *nodding enthusiastically*
pitch: because of his Condition
tv execs: *sobbing, screaming, foaming at the mouth* this must be the only kind of show on the air from now on
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
#SuperBowl
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees