What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
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What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
My son doesn’t like when I participate in his slang world lol!
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
They delivered 70 boxes of snacks and water for our summer program. I unloaded 3 hand trucks in like 15 min. The delivery guy gonna say “I was gonna ask for your number but you too strong and independent I’d rather just tell you we’re hiring” 😭😭😭😭😭
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
“get a life”? have you seen some of the lives out there?
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.