Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets

person walking by my house:

my dog: I’ve killed people for less

My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti

Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv

I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey

Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow

I want my tombstone to read:

Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping

YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME

How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?

“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”

Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice

You can’t get a good night’s sleep anymore because of woke

“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?

[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?

Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes

Boss: We drew those

Me: Another good theory

I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”

*my dog starts barking when suddenly 20 other neighborhood dogs start barking back at him. i just laugh & point at him*
haha, you’re getting ratioed!

i sent you a message telepathically and you didn’t respond…are you mad at me?

I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.

Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?

Maybe I just want 47% milk…

Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.

Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.

The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship

I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.

I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?

I decided against all those options and took the ticket.

I slept like a baby, knowing I’m a burden to everyone around me

I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.

Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on

The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.

The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.

I’m gonna take this shit to another level!

*pushes elevator button*

‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.