What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
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Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
Good morning.
Soldiers seen here arriving before the infamous Battle of Baguettysburg.
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”