what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
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It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
making my dog give me my pills
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
I just stopped by to water my horse.
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
This water sounds like a sexually transmitted infection you get from a gentle breeze blowing up your shorts.
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’