“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
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Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
sitting next to you on an empty train and clicking my stopwatch every time you turn a page in your book
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight
vampires: what the hell
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
necessity is the mother of invention
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.