“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
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FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
If you sleep naked, you shower in your pajamas send tweet
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
i meant to share this earlier
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
[walking past my neighbor cleaning up all his yard skeletons the day after halloween] holy fucking shit what happened here
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White clothes: lol same.