“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
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Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
#Caturday
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
God has abandoned us.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
