What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
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Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk.
Ducks don’t talk…
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
Nose so runny it just signed me up for a 10k
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
The word Ohio looks like a tractor
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in