Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.

My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.

I counted the yard signs in my neighborhood, and “ADT Home Security” is going to win in a landslide.

Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit

Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg

“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”

[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick

If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic

Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.

We were frantic.

Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.

My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor

Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha

Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended

Me: oh, what do you drive?

Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?

“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”

This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.

“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.

Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!

Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.

Restaurant toilets are dangerous!

So many of my dates have gone to use them and vanished!

Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two

Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.

I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.

[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”

my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.

my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.

Welcome to your 40s, you now don’t understand a single word anyone under 25 is saying

I’m famous people used to have talent years old.

Genie: ok, this is your last wish

Me: Could you speak up a bit?

Genie: YOU IDIOT!

Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.

the internet helped stupid ppl find other stupid people, making them all think it’s okay to be stupid.

If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you

What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?

I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.

meeting beyonce and telling her i loved her in goldmember and mentioning nothing about her music career just to see if it throws her off

My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.