“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
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Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
Hear me out.
CROUTON BANGLES.
We have the technology.
Me: Are you here to help me be a better person?
The Goat of Christmas Past: Baaa!
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
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hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”