“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
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Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
Tears for Fears: Everybody wants to rule the world.
Me: Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.