“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
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Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
Teach your children to beatbox
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god