I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
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friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”