Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”

I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.

Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.

I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny

me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?

My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.

Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”

Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”

*sound of hooves in kitchen*

Monday

The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective

“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit

It’s on my to-do list.

judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead

owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor

When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.

You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.

-Me giving family advice

One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”

My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting

[meeting the parents]

Dad: what do you think of Baroque?

Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.

So true for me

[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though

My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?

[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it

[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair

*first date*

Her: I’m a criminologist.

Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.

when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..

Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?

Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.

Me: …

Employee: …

Me: Or you’ll what?

Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.

I think I can now safely say that none of my co-workers were “personality hires”.

this is me

I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.

Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught

Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?