Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.

Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*

My gynecologist: can you not?

I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit

Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!

[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”

Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.

Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*

I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.

Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.

Me: What about sharks?

Society: We’ll give them a whole week.

The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.

I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”

Oh to be a 1998 baby

✔️ first memory is 9/11

✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008

✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession

Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”

FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!

ME: This reminds me of a time

FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*

me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.

subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.

commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat

There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.

Push and Pull.

If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

You didn’t, the brakes did.

Cop: But do you know why?

Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?

Cop: Get out.

Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…

So far, nobody can tell the difference.

Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.

I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.

TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation

Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait

911: *sigh* did he have –

Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again

My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.

I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.

I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.

If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶

[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.

She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.

Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row