Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris

The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.

Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?

Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others

I: and your greatest strength?

Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority

Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.

Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.

My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later

we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul

me at a party:

*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*

I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like

Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.

You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.

Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off

My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.

why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?

Me: I just got hit

911: are you ok

Me: with a car

911: oh my gosh

Me: a toy car

911: oh why did u call us then

Me: its now sticking out of my skull

“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?

Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”

-Teenagers

I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!

My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.

The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”

Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face

“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail

Omg, I love where this is going.

~Me hearing a good recipe.

If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”

“So here’s a bit ab how the interview process will work:

1. initial phone screening
2. in-person interview
3. American Ninja Warrior course
4. fight to the death

If you have any questions ab this or the low-paying, entry-level job opportunity, pls don’t hesitate to ask 🤗.”

8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!

Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.

Hey dude that invented the unicycle…

Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle

I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.

me adding lol on a serious message

The Wizard of Oz is basically a
movie about two women willing kill each other over a pair of shoes.