Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

14: I don’t have a signal.

Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-

14: It’s back.

Me: Good talk.

Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?

Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…

Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!

Boss:

Me:

Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?

“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”

– the Pixar Logo

Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.

Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.

Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂

Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.

Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.

A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.

NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too

ME: Thoughts and bears

NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–

ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope

Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.

paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?

[from back of the room]: twitter

This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.

Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.

I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.

What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?

I basically called this earlier today

Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader

I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful

Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?

Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month

I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.

Introduced a friend to Parks and Rec but told them Rec stands for “Reconnaissance” because spies are trying to infiltrate the parks dept.

They keep saying they can’t tell who the spies are and I just keep going, “I know, right?? They’re really good!”

*Hiring an electrician

Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord

God I hate these crossword puzzles

Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?

hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?