Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I fixed the internet, am tech genius

*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working

If the Universe is continuing to expand then why does my rent keep going up?

Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:

Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.

I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.

I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags

gollum: *coughs on ring*

frodo: you know what, keep it

A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah

What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.

You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.

Me: Two men enter, one man leaves

Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?

My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete

You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?

A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”

Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.

2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.

when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak

Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese

Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood

A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.

He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.

[Dracula before he got braces]

:F

You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked

I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.

Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter

ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]

This is niece.

Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!

Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?

There is a football player named Drew Sample?

He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.

I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.

I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.

I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73

Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”

That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…