Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart

*professor x starts laughing from the other room*

All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”

i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults

Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?

Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.

When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.

My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.

This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.

*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*

My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?

I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”

[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms

ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*

MY DOG: *ears prick up*

Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages

Me: Our neighbor is such a perv

Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?

Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep

My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”

Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”

So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.

Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?

Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?

bro, you’re fine. you just need an impossible sequence of events to play out in perfect order against all odds and you’ll be fine

Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.

“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”

Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?

A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.

If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?

Brie: France
Feta: Greece
Jack: top of the beanstalk

[job interview]

“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”

*takes long drag from cigarette*

Not that I’m aware of.

Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy

“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named

I’m old enough to remember when rainbows were in black and white.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment

Cop: How much have you had to drink?

Me: The precise amount I was predestined to

If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand