What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
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*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
who decided to call it a “paternity test” instead of a “pop quiz?”
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
No Google it does not
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.