Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: check out that beach body

other forensic detective: stop calling it that

Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscape

Be like Mario.

Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.

I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.

“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*

Wife: Our daughter lied to me.

Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?

5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.

My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.

When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.

I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.

I consider that false advertising.

If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.

ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!

COP: Where were you the night of murder?

💀🤣

My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.

$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”

Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.

Eating nothing but bacon for my keto diet because I wanna be thin in time for my heart attack

Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.

If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.

*washing car*

Neighbor: “You washing your car?”

Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”

Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.

Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*

Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.

Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.

Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”

Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]

*gets off on a technicality

Technicality: Perv.

Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.

My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.

Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”

And then Security had to escort me.

My dad : My mom :
Disciplined Graceful

🤝

Me : Disgrace😭

You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back

No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.