What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
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I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
My political views don’t have to be the same as your political views and that’s ok. One of us has to be a dumbass.
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
I went to clean my kids bathroom and I’m 99% sure they shoot their toothpaste out of a cannon
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.