Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

how to lose 20lb

step 1: gain 40lb

THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.

THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—

My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.

COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately

Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh

Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.

ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me

Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?

Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.

Me every time my old dentists office calls me to schedule an appointment not knowing I changed to a new dentist

LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars

Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution

Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”

I don’t think we should be adding any new states to the US until we fix whatever the fuck is wrong with New Jersey

BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!

ME: Thanks. You too!

BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.

*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing

The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline

KitKats are really good for you… they are mostly air, which is oxygen.

Changed my ex’s name in my phone contacts because hearing Siri say, “Your lack of self respect is calling,” while I’m driving is hilarious every single time

happy to report that “what time is it/time for you to get a watch” is still being used by the youths

KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks

ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog

[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab

Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:

Other dads:

I’m not into casual sex. Send me a résumé.

animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what

As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??

My lack of pants is nobody’s business.

[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]

ME: there’s gotta be a better way!

WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass

Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?

Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!

Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.

[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]

ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath

JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back

R: we’re turtles, Juliet