What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
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I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
🤣😂🤣😂
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period