What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
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Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
Don’t you hate it when you go in ALDI to buy an apple and walk past the middle aisle and then you’re back in your car with a 4 person tent and a fucking bbq
Ladies, why y’all do this?
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
As an actor, I do my best work when jobs call me as a reference for my friends
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
My kitchen overserved me.
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
A patient buying cigarettes from his hospital bed, 1950s
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*