Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.

I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.

why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?

*being murdered*

Him: You should of kept your mouth shut

Me: No. It’s should HAVE

*gets stabbed another 84 times*

Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?

8yo: You’re annoying me!

10yo: No, you’re annoying me!

Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.

[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.

*group chat*

Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.

[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]

Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.

Me: You are stupid.

Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically

[parade]

Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?

Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or

*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”

When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.

I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.

WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?

Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,

“Guess who got laid last night?”

you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.

When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.

Librarian: can I check you out?

Me: sure [spins around]

Librarian: I meant your book

Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense

Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.

Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.

women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister

Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.

Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”

We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.

Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro

“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”

-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand

To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.

customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?

me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets

manager: can I talk to you

Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.

I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?