What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
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Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
went for a walk, Very pleasant evening. the squirrels and rabbits kept running away from me. that stung a little. I will remember their faces
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
When I pack too much for a short trip.
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”