Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.

For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.

Proctology is located in A55

*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick

“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”

Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.

My body is a “wonder what happened” land

Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!

born to say “are you fcking stup¡d” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”

Me: *wearing my Burger King crown

Passport photographer: No

My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.

Me: can I buy you a drink?

Girl: no

Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right

Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.

So, teardrop tattoo it is.

My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable

me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god

No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.

True story 🤣

If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.

DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.

Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.

My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.

Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying

If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…

…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.

Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.

When Dr. Pimple Popper squeezed people’s pimples for fun, they thanked her and gave her a tv show… but when I do it, I’m “violating boundaries” and “committing simple assault”, and “not a dermatologist”.

Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax

I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.

[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.

Just know I tried.

“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows

Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.

just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe

Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.