Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.

Kids, eat your vegetables.

*reluctantly, they eat*

[2 hrs later]

*I eavesdrop on their convo*

Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.

If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.

Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you

Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”

Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.

You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:

“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”

I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.

her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes

Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’

Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run

[goes to walmart]

[later]

Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?

Me: Even better than that…

[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]

[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it

I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support

A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?

Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000

Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that

when you miss your boat so you have to take the train

I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.

there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord

There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but I bet you’ve never asked yourself why we never saw them all together in the same place

My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.

Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.

It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.

The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.

Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin

Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car

wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?

me: with… with your glasses.

not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven

i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved

Nothing infuriates me more than when I’m on my phone and something wants me to scan a QR code. With what Jan? With. What.

Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise

Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?

Doctor: sure

Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never

Boss: You were napping

Me: No I wasn’t

Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face

Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*

I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.

Bourbon.