Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Expecto me to be there”

Harry Potter RSVPing to a party

I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.

Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.

I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows

8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”

Me: “Not this tired.”

Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.

Do you have little ones who are nervous about flying? This is a great bedtime read before you go.

I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.

I mean, why knot?

#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes

[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.

[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…

GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use

If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.

It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.

*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one

I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.

Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.

Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.

How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?

Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly

Landscaper: sounds like bullshit

Farmer: yes exactly

Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”

[group therapy]

Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr

Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.

Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.

having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse

The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.

R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote

Me: I’m so into escape rooms I do one every day!
HR: you need to stop referring to our workplace as an escape room.

Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.

Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.

Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.

Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…

Not today Satan.

Not today.

How do you stop a rhino from charging?

You take away its USB cable.

Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.

Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.

Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.

Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.

You’re how old?

*does quick math in head*

Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!

-justifying a bad decision with math