What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
You Might Also Like
House sitting for friends while they’re out of town. Never knew Rob kept a diary.
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*