What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
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they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
Gotta say, as a Canadian, watching this season of America has been absolutely riveting. Kudos to the writers.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
Does your wife know you’re single?
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight