What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
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It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can happen, will happen.
Kellogg’s Law: When pouring milk into your cereal you will always hit the one flake that makes it shoot across the table.
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
the rocks need my help
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
This is painfully accurate 😅
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.