What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
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Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
What if all the cashiers are married?
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you