Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*

ME: Ooh that looks like fun

*I push her down the stairs*

To make a long story short:

Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die

One of my favorite stories about the great James Earl Jones is that when he did voiceovers, he asked for a bowl of fruit, and after his session was finished, he dumped all the fruit in his bag and left.

marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.

me: goo goo gah gah

marriage counselor: no.

Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.

[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men

me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u

If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.

Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.

*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir

[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked

What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food

Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now

I just tried to poach an egg and I now understand why eggs Benedict is $24

A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory

Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.

Abandoned amusement parks are so creepy.. it’s no wonder they were abandoned

Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea

If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy

Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?

Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.

Rose: Nice.

Grill: You could have looked around a bit.

[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking

Imagine if the scientists who made Covid combined m-pox with disease x and made X-Pox. The variants could be X-Pox 360, X-Pox One, and X-Pox Series X/S

Halloween is great because it combines two of my favorite hobbies: driving out to a wet farm to handpick the heaviest inedible vegetable I can find, and taking my small disguised children out past their bedtimes to roam the streets in darkness

I got in trouble for taking pictures in a museum. They caught me with four paintings under my coat.

Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.

You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.

-puzzle pieces breaking up

Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.

*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook

Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.

What to make for dinner: the chicken with the green things they hate, the chicken with the sauce they hate, or the plain chicken they hate?