What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu? Bird flu requires tweetment; swine flu requires oinkment.
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baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
As a kid I wasn’t allowed to dress up and go trick or treating. So as an adult I enjoy it even more, and wish there were more satanic holidays.
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
As a man you should NEVER watch your woman struggle to pay bills.
Dump her and find one with some money
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.