What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu? Bird flu requires tweetment; swine flu requires oinkment.
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*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
Can’t, too busy deleting screenshots of my lock screen
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
Me: I am a logical and rational fully grown adult.
Also me: I must run as fast as I can up the stairs after I’ve switched the light off at night so no monsters can grab me by the ankles.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
Saying “my body is a temple” is for people with money. When you’re poor, your body is a car. Like no it’s not supposed to be making that noise.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.