What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu? Bird flu requires tweetment; swine flu requires oinkment.
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Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
I’d be a terrible masseuse. After 5 minutes, I’d be like, “Okay, my turn.”
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
Stick it to the man
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.