What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
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Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
“OMGJK” -atheists
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
I know I’m almost 40 because I had a few drinks last night and woke up this morning thinking: Oh no I bought SO MANY SOCKS online last night.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
My partner bought a CD player that we can plug into our car so we can play our CDs and the Amazon listing features the following images. 💀💀💀
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!