Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu

TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:

I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought

As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.

When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.

Me: But I was singing Britney Spears

Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”

Me: That’s a lyric

Bouncer: You were in the bathroom

I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.

I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.

My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.

Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.

Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.

Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”

The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot

If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”

Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.

Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”

And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”

“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.

I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.

when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters

5-year-old: Why are we here?

Me: Philosophers still don’t know

5: No, why are we HERE

Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions

It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.

Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless

Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”

the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand

Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.

movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else

13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!

Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.

[zombie wedding]

Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*

If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.

After someone threw milkshake at a politician today, people are saying it could have been a bomb, which is crazy because why would you throw milkshake at a bomb?