Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”

Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.

“tom cruise does his own stunts” ok? so do i. i just have fewer stunts to do. fewer stunts are being asked of me

I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.

Her: I love a tough guy

Me: I’ve got some scars

Her: Ooh. Show me one.

Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born

If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste

I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.

Hello consequences, my actions went that way.

You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.

Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!

~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.

mcdonalds: may I take your order

cronus: I’ll have the kids meal

Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.

My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.

There is no Hotdog Bell here.

I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.

I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.

pizza

My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.

[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles

Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?

FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.

Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.

Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny

This could be us, but you weedin’.

“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja

Kids have been at camp for 10 days now – we’ve been so curious to hear ANYTHING about camp and finally one letter came last week – which opened with the heartfelt and powerful words of:
“had to write this letter to get a snack”

You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!

who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo

not enough rap songs about your grocery store suddenly changing their layout

strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”

*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”

I’ve never met a mistake that I couldn’t make mistakier.

news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.

[first date]

Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol

Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape

*on my death bed* Why didn’t I just buy a normal bed?