What’s the different between Black Eyed Peas and Chick Peas?
Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song.
Chick Peas can hummus one.
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if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated