Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?

The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize

ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]

her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list

me: *writes* ‘chicken’

Death: your time has come.

Me: no! not now!

Death: yes now.

Me: but… I have to poop?

Death: ……damn it. Go on then.

Me: wow that actually worked.

My toddler: *nods sagely*

Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?

We couldn’t just…..find their homes?

Not really a humane solution in my opinion

The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.

[first day as a botany professor]

me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?

student: to reproduce?

me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically

my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive

(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?

Me-Oh yes.

[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]

Direct deposit: $1,400

Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*

INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?

ME: I taught myself how to play piano

INTERVIEWER: By ear?

ME: No, just with my hands

Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?

My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house

…without stopping.

me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?

shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good

ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not

I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.

“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”

What are instructions?

“Correct.”

Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.

I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.

We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”

Me: *gets up to go pee*

My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!

Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.

Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.

I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”

Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.

If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.

My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.

Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now

Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice