What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
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I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
Im not joining no alternate twitter app not gon lie, if this gets taken down im starting a family
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.