Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.

[first day as a lawyer]

CLIENT: you’re fired

ME: was it my opening rap or the –

CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes

“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”

I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges

Animal poetry

All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs

Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht

My kid: I bet you had just black and white movies growing up
Me: excuse me, I am not that old
My kid: also did you have crayons or just greyons?

Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.

My son called someone a rascal. I thought he turned 11 a couple weeks ago but clearly it was 80

If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.

[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.

Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship

ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not

Them: What’s your writing process like?

Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.

My writing process:

when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”

Hello 911?

“What’s your emergency?”

You work in a building?

“Yes”

Inside?

“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”

So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!

you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”

*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*

“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”

man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single

Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP

new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much

Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.

Church is boring.

Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.

Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..

Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …

*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now

My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.

Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.

“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”

– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills