What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
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cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
Voter fraud started when I lost People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive in 1997.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
The photographer’s assistant
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out