What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
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We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
If you love someone set them free? Girl, I can’t even get rid of the 257 plastic bags under my sink.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
there is literally nothing you could do at a mcdonalds that would cause a whale to call the cops
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Insecurity guard……….
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.