What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
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I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
I just watched the uncut version of Scarface…….it’s called Face.
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there