What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
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The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin