Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.

*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.

The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost

My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”

barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job

When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.

In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.

Lesson learned. No donuts next time.

Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”

I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.

The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.

Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”

Me “There’s WINE delivery?”

Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker

*playing hide & seek with my group*

5: I’m only going to count to ten

Me: why?

5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet

“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”

-Poetic Justice

I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.

Friend: *checking bag* one bag

Airline: why is it so heavy

Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes

*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*

I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny

The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm

I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot

*eats a carrot*

*checks off new year’s resolution*

The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see

Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.

University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,

Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.

Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*

computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up

I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.

Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’

My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.

I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed

Oceanography is all about current events