Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.

If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.

I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.

*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*

You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector

Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors

God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes

Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?

God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!

Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-

God: ALL THE NECKS!

The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.

I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform

Her: Do we have any chicken stock?

Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.

opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses

“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”

(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.

[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.

I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”

I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it

To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.

My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”

And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.

Nothing scarier than your husband taking the kids to Petco “just to look” then texting you “we got a surprise”

I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.

Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee

Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.

Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited

Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face

T-rex: hell yeah

I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story

Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.

Primenesia?

“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg

Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week

“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”

“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”

“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”

Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”

*2 weeks later

[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”

Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“

I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.