Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting

[reading online survey]

Are you ready to double your satisfaction?

My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.

*clicks yes*

I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.

Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back

Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]

*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*

You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you

My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.

me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”

God: Come see this.

Angel: What is it?

God: It’s the human lifespan.

Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!

God: Fun right? Watch this.

Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?

God: I call it, 35.

Wife: *packing a bag*

Me: Where are you going?

W: I’m leaving you for my boss

M: Don’t go—

W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind

M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note

W: I despise you

The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.

Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant

I feel like one of these would kill a European

I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.

What did YOU think I’m talking about?

Weirdos!!

First day as a 911 operator:

“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”

Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.

If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”

My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.

[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”

Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.

*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*

*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*

me: *knocking* hello is anyone home

mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock

me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood

Called in, “I put the lime in the coconut and drank it all up.”

Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef

*phone rings*

Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”

Me – *strips naked and does running man*

Wife – “….”

Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?

My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.

[blind date]

HER: I recently found Jesus

ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?

banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients

Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”

the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget