what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
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If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
it sucks that the 2020 election’s approach of both candidates offering us competing stimulus checks has vanished. please bring that back. please bribe us with money.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
inside you are two wolves
No one on Facebook can believe their kid is turning ANY age
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
How about I get 100% off by already being there
You are not alone 💚
Crying is a sign of leakness.
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
If you like pointing out beautiful scenery to three people who are on their phones, a family road trip is for you!