Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: i want a girlfriend so badly

them: u have to start going on dates

me: seems excessive

I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”

The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping

Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.

White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere

If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.

*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*

*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*

running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.

me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.

guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?

[first day as a tsa agent]

me: arms up

guy: [t-pose]

me: [hugs him] you have a great flight

This scene was so out of pocket looking back 😭 ☠️

ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*

My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.

The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.

Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.

me refusing to leave twitter

[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*

(Show and Tell)

TEACHER: What do you have to show today?

ME: My pet.

TEACHER: Let’s see it then.

ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!

*the earth begins to shake*

I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.

😂🐈‍⬛

Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.

I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed

If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff

“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”

To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.

H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.

Me:

H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.

Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.

So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.

My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.

*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*